Inimitability III
by SkItZoFrEaK
Summary: Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk beside me either - just leave me alone!


Inimitability III  
Or  
Holy Hades! Just how many overused plot lines ARE there?!  
  
By: SkItZoFrEaK  
  
Note: If, in my personal attempts to serve and please my muse and my audience (real or imaginary), I have offended anyone or thing, please accept my deepest apology, and know that I only intended to poke fun at the pomposity and occasional lack of originality or forethought in some fics (including my own). And please know that if I have in any way offended you, in your tiny box world, that while I am bowing my apologies I am secretly laughing at you, along with every other author on the net or off. Yes, it IS as bad as you think and we ARE out to get you. With that said, please read on. And:  
  
'Me, I wouldn't go either way.'  
  
AND: (Is anyone else sensing a pattern?) If you haven't figured it out yet, I want you to READ THE FOOTNOTES!!! Not only do they help these ramblings make a little more sense, but also they act as my official disclaimers. I don't like flames, I think they are childish and pointless, so I put in the footnotes to ward of ye evil flamers! Plus, I like to think they provide entertainment value for my readers. So, with that out of the way, march on, loyal readers! Akiramenia!!!  
  
*********************  
  
Yes, I have returned yet again with a list of fanfiction literature faux pas. I'm sure you are all surprised to learn that even with two previous such essays, I have not yet exhausted all the tired old plotlines out there in the Laby world. For the record, I am equally astonished. When I first began this endeavor, I failed to recognize the enormity of the task before me. However, stubborn people such as I are not easily deterred by size and magnitude. So, with firm resolve, I shall continue to slog on through the seemingly endless fields of banality for the sake of hard-core truth. Three cheers for me, and let's move on, shall we?  
  
As you are well aware by now, I love to start things off with a healthy dose of romance. However, I hate falling too deeply into pattern traps. So, for your reading enjoyment, today I shall begin my essay with something a little less overt. Brace thyselves, all, today I am going to plunge headfirst into a rather touchy subject - the appearance of the Goblin King himself [1].   
  
To begin with, every author has their own mental image of the King, ranging from 'Ye gods and fishes, that man [2] is gorgeous!' to 'If only he had dark hair' to 'I don't get what all the fuss is about [3].' Despite varying opinions, though, everyone seems to agree on a few select ideas.   
  
For one, whenever Jareth is masquerading in the Aboveground for whatever reason, he must pull his hair back into a ponytail. Do not ask me to explain this phenomenon [4]; but it is an irrefutable truth. Authors the fic-world over have apparently decided that pulling Jareth's mane into a ponytail enables him to pass as a common human without a hitch. Why this physical alteration is necessary, exactly how Jareth manages to capture all those unruly locks into a single ponytail, or for that matter, why in the Underground would Jareth, the King of The Goblins, *care* if he accurately resembled a simple mortal, is never elucidated.   
  
Jareth's cosmetic repute does not end with the Aboveground excursions. Oh no, now we must attack his Underground, at-home attire. This is tolerable, after all everyone usually has a different idea of what Jareth wears in his off hours [5]. The hackneyed part comes in when people get into technical descriptions. Allow me to lie to rest an aged, unsightly superstition: Jareth. Does. NOT. Wear. Tights. [6]. In the medieval setting of the Labyrinth, they are 'leggings.' Leggings, people. In the beginning, this label was an amusing trend for readers. By now, it is less humorous remark and more like mutated nails down a chalkboard.   
  
While I am on the subject of annoying, worn-out phrases [7], I would like to bring up another tender area. This one happens to fall to the unfortunate Sarah, who by now is most likely thoroughly sick of it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you 'INFD' [8].   
  
Before I even set one psychological toe into this mess, I wish to dispel a second superstition: Sarah says that particular phrase all of three [9] times in the actually movie. How this morphed into a consistent axiom, I also cannot explicate [10]. I would also like to point out that the said phrase was an aspect of Sarah's pre-Labyrinth immature persona. In the end of the movie, she accepts her responsibility and supposedly lets go of such childish protests. Dragging them back after all she went through to dump them is undeserved to both Sarah and the readers [11].  
  
All right, NOW I shall get into romance, but in the interest of time, I will limit myself to one pattern and leave the rest for another day [12]. Today's romantic kill is the 'just when everything seemed all peachy, Someone Else enters the fray.'  
  
I'm certain you are as familiar with this as I; due to the extensive exploitation this plotline suffers. For the easily confused, though, I shall elaborate. These stories begin one of two ways: either Jareth and Sarah [13] have just found each other again for whatever reason and are getting off to a rocky start [14], or have met again before the fic begins and are now openly in love. The first type of opening is no different from the second, save that the first one takes longer to develop. But no matter how the story opens, eventually, everything starts to look like peaches and cream. Then, just as we're getting sappy (sometimes we already are), a Someone Else [16] enters the picture, intent on stealing away one of the lovers. Oh no! Not a Someone Else!  
  
But who is this mysterious creature, and what do they want [15]? Why, s/he wants to break up the happy couple and get one or the other for him/herself. If it is a male Someone Else, they of course find Sarah the most beautiful creature in existence, and will face the wrath of the powerful Goblin King in order to get her. They will even kill said King [17] for her - never mind the fact that she obviously doesn't love him back. That is irrelevant. As soon as Jareth is dead or gone, she will fall madly in love with HIM. Right.  
  
If the Someone Else is female - yep, you guessed it in one - she wants Jareth, and will go to great lengths to get him, including kill Sarah, yadda yadda yadda and so forth. Doesn't take too much brainpower to figure this one out, does it? Even so, this story line does have some potential. There are many ways it could end, depending on the gender of the Someone Else. But the gods [18] of fics seem to have mandated that these types of stories shall end one way and one way alone: the Someone Else ultimately fails, usually dies, and everything goes back to being peaches and cream.  
  
Oh dear...I do believe I hear clouds of glitter falling in the hallway now. Ahem, well, it's been lovely, everyone, and we really must do this again, but right now I think I'd better be off, lest I find myself up to my nose in the BOES [19]. Fare thee well, my friends, and thank you for attending another lecture on inimitability [20]. Good night!  
  
Why Jareth, how nice to see you. This? Oh, nothing, just another little essay on originality and such. No, no mention of you this time, well, nothing you'd find interesting, I'm sure...you want to what? ... *read* it? Oh. Well, I suppose so...eh heh heh..................  
  
********************************  
  
[1] But first: a thorough, furtive look is in order...nope, not a glitter cloud in sight. Very good - on to the discussion!  
  
[2] Warning: *Never* address Jareth as a man to his face, lest a thousand farts be in your nostrils for all eternity. His Majesty will not tolerate insults, he is a _Fae_ thank you very much, *not* a mortal man.   
  
[3] These people, inexplicably, never seem to get very far in the Laby world.   
  
[4] I am, after all, a plain author - not a psychologist.  
  
[5] Although it frequently leans in the gray/cream/black linen or leather department - but let's not be overly picky.  
  
[6] Unless, of course, one is writing a humor fiction - in that case, call them tutus if you will - though beware the wrath of an indignant King.  
  
[7] I wasn't, but that isn't the issue here. Stay focused!  
  
[8] the 'It's Not Fair! Disorder'  
  
[9] That's Three. 3. The number after two, before four. Less than you have fingers on one hand. Less than half the days in a week. THREE.  
  
[10] I can, however, hypothesize: When an author portrays a character so poorly that s/he becomes unrecognizable as the original person we all know, the author will subconsciously grab at any tiny element from the movie and elaborate on that as if it makes up for warping the character in the first place. In Sarah's case, INFD evolved as a full-scale plague to the Laby world.  
  
[11] Not to mention most of us are so tired of hearing her shriek it that we visibly pale whenever we cross a sentence beginning with 'It's not' regardless of how the sentence continues.  
  
[12] Sounds rather ominous, doesn't it?  
  
[13] Or our friend Mary Sue - thought I'd leave her alone for once, didn't you? Wrong, chum! That nice I am not!  
  
[14] Or, more appropriately, a re-start.  
  
[15] As if we didn't know.  
  
[16] And for some reason, the Someone Else is always evil. No decent, ordinary person could ever love either Jareth or Sarah/Mary Sue. Not that much, anyway...hmm...maybe that's why these authors tend to disappear as quickly as they come. If I were Jareth, and someone insulted me that way, I'd make sure they suffered a convenient accident, too...  
  
[17] Insert derisive laughter here.  
  
[18] Or goddesses, if you will.  
  
[19] Because once again, no one has bothered to supply the King with any other interesting place to dump irritating subjects.   
  
[20] I'm sure you've all gotten very familiar with that word by now - Go ahead, impress your friends with your expanded vocabulary!   
  



End file.
